goodnight elisabeth goodnight

its....cancer.

__ want to follow you tonight

i saved the obituary, the vague details that framed your life. and i wish, because its so hard right now, all i knew of you were just these words. but, i know so much more. and i'm afraid...i'm afraid that time will take all that i know. and all that i will have left will be the vague details that framed your life. but it seems the last thing i remember of you, i wish was the first thing i could forget.

something or someone, maybe you, is telling me to sleep because these days are melding into one.
my eyes are dry and on fire, my muscles tired, and my bones want to break.
sleeping is...was...better listening to you breathe.

because today i turned to tell you a funny story and realized you weren't there. and there i was...again with the realization of where you are now and where you aren't. and does it even matter where i should be. and i sit where i sit and i stare at my shelves and look at that damn movie. and now i hate it. "how wonderful life is, now your in the world"...no..no, not at all-how horrible life is, now that your not. if i was strong enough to follow you, believe me i would. maybe, i should be.

i hated your funeral because i had to stand there alone and watch you leave me for the last time.
and now the closest i could be to you is six feet above you. i want to claw through this damned
earth to be with you...to touch you, and i can't. i don't even have the opportunity to lay next to you
forever. i don't...i don't! i want you back. i want you here. i need you. can't you see? i need you.
where do i go? what do i do? what do i do what do i do what do i do. i miss you so much and i don't know
what to do now. i'm so alone...so alone. i'm so mad that i'm alone...i'm so mad at you.

i am a lot angrier at the world than i do puposely lead you to otherwise believe. and still i let you notch my life with cuts and scars that i so convincingly build a foundation with. but all the while i'm failing to place them where they need to be, so now i carry them. and as for understanding deathbeds and stubborness, i guess the last year hasn't spoken much not to be taken into consideration. and i know you're obligated to me, i just wish it didn't have to seem so much so. "so me and my anger sit, folding a paper bird", thats all it in my world. because as much as i want to become a hypocrite in that respect, i have to stay on this side. but, i bleed just like you, self inflicted just like you, but its because i let you do it.

i woke up for the second or fourth time today and i couldn't distinguish between the feeling of missing her or being scared of my own skin. and for some reason the tone of voices and the tone of my thoughts didn't quite see eye to eye.

i'm making compromises on minutes and half hours with give or take scenarios about sleep and waking. in my mind, we're walking hand in hand and stealing a kisses with playful regret in a city that i could smile in. now, i'm sharing a cold night with my thoughts and i haven't made it to the editing room to finalize my what i'd dream about tonight. but at this time in the morning, i'm reminded that her beauty justifies why my jealousy cuts into me.